Fighting My Way Back To You
by JulieM
Summary: The JAG staff faces both a threat to their own lives, as well as the crushing news that one of their own has been lost. COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

Title: Fighting My Way Back To You.

Summary: The JAG staff faces both a threat to their own lives, as well as the crushing news that one of their own has been lost. H/M centered, although other characters do appear.

Spoilers: Everything up until 'Death At The Mosque, but only the part where Harm turns Mac away at the hospital.

Rating: T, if even that…Maybe, just because of emotive issues, but I think that most over the age of 13 should be able to deal with this one…

Harm story that delves into his feelings for Mac, so this is a what you would consider to be shippery. Is it resolved? Well, you'll have to read on, won't you!? ;oP

Disclaimer: JAG does not belong to me. It doesn't matter that the series has finished its run. No, you did not miss the auction they had to sell the rights to JAG, I wouldn't have the money to buy them, anyway. Let's just say I'm borrowing the characters for a little fun and that I'll return them to the proper figureheads when I'm done. No harm, no foul.

AN 1: I always enjoy the feedback I get from my readers, even if it's to say, 'Uh, well, it wouldn't really happen that way. Just in case you're interested, this is how it would actually happen…' I'm always interested to hear what other people know about subjects that have inspired my fics, but this is the fanfiction arena and if the 'fiction' part of that term doesn't give you some artistic license, then what does? Also, with work commitments, I've got much less time and am not able to do all the research that I used to. Still, please believe me that I try my best with researching the content of my stories…but from now on, I'm just doing this for fun and because people have encouraged me to continue writing my stories, which they say they enjoy. Keep in mind that this is done primarily for the enjoyment of others. I don't believe that this will be everyone's cup of tea, so if you don't enjoy it, just click 'back' and find something else to read. I don't want to hear about it, there's plenty else here for you to choose from that will suit you.

AN 2: I'm going to warn you right now, the JAG staff deals with the news that one of their own has been lost…I'm not expanding any more than that, 'cos it'll ruin the story. I saw Death At The Mosque and was grossly dissatisfied, thinking that I would try to do better and add a dash more angst while I was at it (You guys let me know how the recipe worked out!) I was perplexed with this episode for many reasons; mainly the lack of Harm-Mac involvement and especially the storylines about characters they knew they would never be able to develop. What's up with that, TPTB? Why couldn't we fast-forward to the Harm-Mac smoochies, three episodes sooner? I know it's not a soap opera and DPB couldn't have them producing mini-marines and flyboys in that time, but you really could have gotten so much more done that would have satisfied the shippers amongst us! Enough ranting; FW&FS doesn't happen and JAG never ends! MUAH-HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! Happy journeys, shipper-writers! You are limited only by the scope of your imagination!

OOOO

Part 1

Harm stretched as he vacated the chair he'd been sitting in for the past four hours. He paused to check Mattie, gently brushing her hair back, stroking the softness of her cheek before he left for a quick bite in the cafeteria.

He let the nurses know where he'd be then headed to the elevator lobby, arriving in time to catch one just departing. On his way down, he checked his cellphone, which told him that he'd missed a call from Mac and from his CO, General Gordon Cresswell.

Even though Harm was so tired, he knew he couldn't just ignore calls from his CO, although he was sure Mac wouldn't hold it against him if he went home and caught up on some sleep before he called her back. He punched in the number, because he'd never gotten around to putting the General's contact details into his phonebook. He had to wait until he got to the lobby and got reception, but hit 'call' after he got out of the elevator.

"Hello, Sir? It's Commander Rabb…"

OOOO

Gordon was just getting back into his car, when his cellphone began to ring.

"Hello?"

Commander Rabb's voice came across the line, although it was fairly faint. Cresswell then realized that the Commander was probably inside the hospital building where his ward was being cared for. The connection seemed to pick up within a couple of seconds, so Cresswell decided to continue the call, rather than have the man call him back once he had better reception.

"Thank you for getting back to me, Commander…I know you're busy, just now…"

"I apologize for missing your call, Sir, but I've been at the hospital, checking up on Mattie. They don't allow cellphones to be switched on inside the ICU…"

"I understand, Commander. However, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to call you in to headquarters, Harm…A situation has come up and I need you and all other staff there, ASAP. If you could call the Roberts family for me, let them know that all personnel are to report. I know that they probably have nobody to watch their children, tell them to bring the kids with them, for now. We'll work something out, later…"

"Yes, Sir," Harm replied, "I'll do that, Sir."

"See you soon, Commander…"

Gordon hung up and sat contemplating what would happen, once he told everyone what he had to tell them…He turned to look at the person sitting in the passenger seat of his car.

"Are you sure this is the only way?" he asked.

"If you want to save the lives of your people. If you want to get them and their families out of this, alive," Clayton Webb nodded.

"Okay," Cresswell conceded, looking to his cellphone once more and keying in Sturgis Turner's number.

OOOO

When Harm and Jen got to headquarters (He'd gone home first to pick her up, because he was closer to their building than JAG Headquarters,) it was already full of staff and their family members, all in the same confused state as they were in. Nobody knew what was going on; just that Cresswell had called in all staff members, telling them to bring their family members with them. Even Cresswell's wife and daughter Cammie were there, but they knew about as much as anybody else. What they found most disconcerting was that Mac was the only person not yet there, but deduced that she was probably en route from an investigation she had been on, in Fauquier County. The quiet speculation in the bullpen fell silent, as they heard the door to Cresswell's office open, then all was silent as he walked into the bullpen. If Harm didn't already feel bad about the current situation, he did once he caught sight of the person with his CO. An icy fist gripped his insides, as Cresswell stopped to survey his people, before picking out the senior attorneys and asking them to follow him into his office. Before he turned back the way he had come, he asked the rest of the crowd for their patience, he'd explain to them just as soon as he was done bringing Sturgis, Harm, and Bud up to speed.

"Sir, what is Mister Webb doing here?" Bud asked Harm, quietly, as they followed the General through to his office.

"I have no idea, Bud, but I don't like it."

Once they were in Cresswell's office, with the door shut behind them, Gordon Cresswell told them what he had been instructed to.

"It has been brought to my attention that employees of JAG Headquarters are in danger…Very little information exists at this point, but to be sure that every staff member and their family living in and around Virginia are safe, it has been decided that we must take protective action. After tonight, we will all split into six different groups, each of which will go into protective custody, outside the state. You will each be accompanied back home by a Protective Services Agent, where you will grab what you need for the next few weeks, then you will be driven to an undisclosed location, where you are to remain, until this threat has been taken care of. I don't have time for any questions, but let me just say this; the threat appears to be in only the primary stages of execution. If we act now, we can prevent any more blood-shed and have the best chances of a positive outcome. Mister Webb has been assigned to assist in this matter and he will now accompany you outside and apprise the rest of your family and co-workers. Dismissed."

With shocked, incredulous expressions on their faces, all three senior officers turned to leave, but Cresswell spoke up before they did so.

"Commander Rabb," he spoke up, calmly, having decided upon this plan of action just minutes beforehand, "I'd like you to remain here, with me, for the minute…"

"Aye Sir," Harm answered, quickly coming back to attention.

"At ease," Cresswell told him, before coming out of his chair.

"Permission to speak freely, Sir?"

"Granted…"

"Sir, I just need to ask what this means for my ward, Mattie…She's still in the hospital, in a coma and you said that it was uncertain just how far this plot against the staff at JAG goes. If you think family members may be in danger, too…"

"Webb is sending some people as we speak to watch over Mattie, Harm. I know how anxious you've been, waiting for her to wake up, but right now you need to think about yourself first, so that she will still have a guardian to care for her once she wakes up. I'll make sure she's kept safe; nobody will get near her, I promise, but you will not be able to see her until this is over."

Harm thought he was near to breaking point. The last couple of weeks had been soul-destroying, but the thought of possibly not being there when Mattie woke up was awful…

"But Sir…" he tried to protest, despite the fact that he knew his CO would have no qualms about making this an order.

"This threat is very real, Commander," Cresswell interrupted him, his voice stronger, firmer than before, "and we all need to take it seriously…"

He paused as he heard a commotion coming from the bullpen, knowing that the rest of the staff now knew. He decided not to hold the information back, anymore. Harm needed to know.

"Harm," his voice once more became that of a civilian, rather than of a Marine Corps General, "I don't know if you heard what I said, earlier, but blood has already been spilled…A life has been lost, one of JAG's own…This evening, Colonel MacKenzie was deliberately run off the road in her car…Harm, I'm so sorry…I'm afraid she didn't make it…"

At first, there was no outward sign that Harm had understood. He stood stock-still, so stiff that he almost appeared to be at attention.

"Commander?" Cresswell asked, but didn't continue as he saw the color begin to drain from Harm's face.

Cresswell quickly got up, recognizing the signs all too well from his years in combat, but he didn't make it around the desk in time. He was just fast enough to protect Harm's head from hitting the corner of the desk, as the tall former-naval aviator went down.

He quickly checked him out, making sure Harm was okay, before he buzzed through to the bullpen and asked for Harriet and PO Coates.

OOOO


	2. Chapter 2

OOOO

Part 2

Both women were still understandably upset, but seemed to be taking the news well, considering.

"Oh, Sir!" Harriet quickly jumped into action, as she saw Commander Rabb lying motionless on the floor of the General's office, placed in the recovery position, "What happened?"

"He didn't take the news so well," Cresswell told her, as both Harriet and Jen joined him kneeling beside Harm, "I didn't expect anything quite like this…"

"He's had a very hard couple of weeks," Jen filled them both in, "Mattie's condition hasn't changed and…and I guess this was all too much. He and Colonel MacKenzie are…are so close."

Everyone noticed how she phrased what she said and understood. Using past tense to refer to the Colonel, even now, would just seem so wrong.

They all gave Harm a couple of minutes, before they attempted to rouse him.

"Commander Rabb, Sir?" Harriet asked him, as Jen gently patted his cheeks, "Can you hear me, Sir?"

OOOO

When Harm came to, he was bewildered to realize that he was laying on his side, on the carpet in General Cresswell's office. Cresswell's words were still ringing in his ears and Harm could only hope and pray that this had been a dream.

"You're okay, Commander," Cresswell helped him to sit up, "This has just been a big shock to you…"

"Shall I go and fetch the Commander a drink of cold water, Sir?" Harm heard PO Coates ask and his CO's affirmative answer.

"It's going to be okay, Sir," Harriet was rubbing his back and when Harm took in her pale countenance, he just knew that this had not been one bad nightmare.

Not caring that he was in his CO's presence, Harm allowed his head to drop, resting against his pulled-up knees, willing himself not to break down.

OOOO

Sturgis and Bud came after her, when Jen dashed from the General's office.

"Coates, Coates, wait," Sturgis called her, "What's going on in there?"

Jen, seeing that the bullpen was far too busy to get into everything there, pulled them towards the break room.

"Is there something wrong with Harm?" Bud asked.

Nobody was wearing uniform tonight and rank was forgotten about, for the time being

"Cresswell decided to break the news to Harm, personally," Jen told them both, while she filled up a glass of water, "because I think he predicted that he wouldn't take the news well…and he was right; When Cresswell told Harm, he passed out…"

Sturgis and Bud's mouths dropped open, as if to ask, 'Are you serious?'

They knew he'd take the news badly, worse than anyone else had, but this they had not expected.

Sturgis ran a hand down his face in frustration. He and Harm had been buddies since they were at the Academy. They may not have been very close lately, but Sturgis knew that was mostly his fault and still cared about his friend just as much.

"Oh God," Bud seemed similarly worried.

He'd been so busy coming to terms with the news himself, then comforting his children once Harriet had been called away that he didn't even think about Harm, still in the General's office, receiving the news. The thought now made him sick to his stomach.

"What the hell is going to happen, now?" Sturgis was on the same page, although neither Bud nor Jen knew that it was because a conversation that none of them, not even Harm, had been privy to, years before.

Sturgis knew just how Harm felt about his marine co-worker; it was very clear to all of the staff members here at JAG. But he also knew just how that marine had felt about Harm and now she would never have the chance to tell him. The knowledge was eating him up inside.

OOOO

"H…how?" Harm asked, as Cresswell and Jen helped him off the floor and into one of the chairs, "When?"

"That's not important, just now, Commander," Cresswell told him, "This has been a terrible shock to you and I will not have you hitting the floor of my office and very nearly the corner of my desk, again."

"Sir, I need to go to her…I need to…It might not be her…"

"Harm, there's no mistake…"

"It might be…It must be…"

"No…"

"Even if it isn't a mistake, I still need to go to her…She needs me…"

"Harm, I came back from making the id, an hour ago…It was her; everything found at the scene of the crime belonged to her…It was her car, she was wearing her dog-tags, her uniform, the remnants of her purse was on the floor of the car... There is nothing more for you to do, now…Dental x-rays have already been taken and we're just waiting for the final confirmation."

"I've got to say goodbye…I can't just leave her…I have to…"

Cresswell took a deep breath and dismissed Jen and Harriet, who were looking similarly pale to the Commander. Once they were out of the room, Cresswell took a deep, fortifying breath.

"Harm, what I saw at the morgue was no longer Sarah MacKenzie. Not the Sarah MacKenzie that we want to remember. Harm, after her vehicle left the road…It caught fire…The fire services think that her seatbelt buckle might have jammed or that she was unconscious. There was nobody around to get her out and there was no way she could have got herself free…"

Harm was staring at him, his eyes wide in comprehension. He flinched and lowered his head, cursing quietly, as he screwed his eyes tightly shut.

"She was still alive after…after her car crashed?"

"They think so," Cresswell nodded, "But they doubt that she was still alive once the flames took hold. I was assured that the majority of fire-related deaths are due to smoke inhalation, not burns."

Harm nodded his head morosely, from where he held it in his hands.

Seeing the other man perched so precariously of the edge of losing it all, Gordon decided to give him some privacy. He patted the man on the shoulder, before he left his office, shutting the door behind him.

OOOO

Nearly 26 hours later saw them climbing out of the CIA vehicle, at an undisclosed location. The safe-house was a large farm-house that was surrounded by fields, but in the pre-dawn light, nobody could see just how the fields stretched as far as the eye could see. Their closest neighbor would prove to be an hour's walk away.

"Mommy, why can't Auntie Jen and Aunt Mac live with us at the house…Are they coming later?" A sleepy AJ asked his Mother.

"No, sweetie," Harriet replied, tiredly, "Auntie Jen is living at another house with Uncle Gordon and his family…"

They had dodged AJ's questions about his Aunt Mac on the plane, coming here, which they knew was wrong, but AJ didn't seem to realize that his Godmother was not coming back. Harriet and Bud were so tired and they really wanted to save their talk with their children for a time when they were all less sleepy and better able to take this explanation in. AJ had an idea what death was, but hadn't quite grasped its permanence. Jimmy hadn't understood the news at all, but had cried because he saw his brother, Mother and Father crying. He had just begun to grasp empathy, but was nowhere near understanding death, yet.

Thankfully, AJ didn't ask any more questions, simply crawling into Bud and Harriet's new bed, while Bud and Harriet settled Jimmy in the crib that was waiting for him. Afterwards, Bud and Harriet crawled into bed on either side of the Little AJ, not bothering to change into sleeping attire, they were that tired.

OOOO


	3. Chapter 3

OOOO

Part 3

Harm tossed and turned restlessly in his bed, as the sky began to brighten, just an hour and a half before dawn. He'd only managed to fall asleep twenty minutes before and already he was in the throes of a nightmare. It had begun peacefully enough; he was out in the fields behind the house. Even as he had slept, he'd marveled at just what a marvelous thing the mind was. Since they had come, he'd spent no time looking outside through the windows. He'd thrown himself into helping get the house all set up. It was a welcome distraction from the tatters of his life. And even though he'd never studied the fields around the farmhouse in any detail, his dreams held details that awed him. It was beautiful; the flowers were all in bloom, being fussed over by tens of butterflies and bumblebees. The air was alive with the sound of a westerly breeze, of the birds and the insects and Harm was even able to pick out his Godchildren playing somewhere behind him, perhaps in the fenced yard in front of the house.

Harm turned in a complete circle, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath in, through his mouth and nose.

"How can everything smell and even taste this real?" he quietly asked himself.

Eventually, the fact that it was all just a dream left him completely and he was just enthralled by everything around him that was treating his senses.

As he turned a full circle, once more, he saw her; the woman who'd been haunting him since his departure from DC. Hell, even Harm knew that she'd made a place in his heart and had haunted him long before that…

She was walking peacefully through the fields and didn't appear to even notice him there, staring at her. She was running her hands through the grass and plants, watching the insects take-off out of the vegetation at the disturbance.

Harm unconsciously held his breath, taking in her beauty; the glow of her skin, the natural movement of her hair in the breeze and the graceful sway of her limbs as she unknowingly walked towards him.

Harm let out an audible gasp as she looked up at him, seemingly right into him and from her expression on her face and in her expressive eyes, it seemed she really could see everything in his heart.

Suddenly, his reason kicked in…

How could she look this perfect? How could this moment feel this perfect? She was right in front of him, completely whole and unharmed and as alive as he had ever seen her. But the General had told him she'd died in the fire…had been burned so badly that they'd need to identify her through dental records and DNA testing… How could he see every thing in her heart, everything that was in his, like she was mirroring him? He so desperately wanted to believe that she was right here, to run and embrace her, but he was glued to the spot. Any second now, he was going to move and she'd disappear like some magical vision…Like as if…as if she was a dream….

Harm sat up with a huge gasp, his heart pounding in his chest.

This was just like when she and Webb were in Paraguay. He had dreamed that they had died and it had turned out that their lives were threatened…But now…She was dead. But if she was, then why did he feel such a connection to her. Why did he feel her, right there in his soul?

OOOO

Webb made his first visit (of what would turn out to be of many,) the next morning. Everyone put down whatever they had been doing, aside from the children and walked out onto the front porch to greet him. The look on Webb's face soon told them that this wasn't a social call and the words died on their lips.

"What is it, Agent Webb?" Sturgis finally asked.

Webb turned his gaze to Harm, who had frozen and dropped the hammer he was using as soon as he'd seen Webb pull up.

"We got the results of the DNA and dental comparisons, this morning," Webb began, tentatively, "I came as soon as I got the call…I knew you'd all want to know…"

"Please say it's not her," Harriet shook her head, tearfully and Bud put an arm around her, comfortingly.

"I…I'm sorry…I can't tell you that…" Webb eyes told them all how sorry he was, but the JAG staff misinterpreted exactly what he was apologizing for.

They had all tried to prepare themselves for this, but it cut even deeper than they had ever imagined it would.

Harm didn't think his heart would ever feel whole, again.

OOOO

"Sir…Harm…Can I get you anything?" Harriet approached the man who had become like an older brother to her. She could see that he was in so much pain and it really hurt to be unable to help him.

Harm just shook his head and turned back to gaze at the sun, now low on the horizon. He was sitting out on the porch swing, surveying the quiet fields that surrounded the safe house.

Harriet made her way back indoors, shaking her head as she caught her husband's questioning gaze. Bud seemed to deflate a bit, then perked to. He made his way over to the bottom of the staircase and called for his eldest son. Little AJ came storming down, sounding like a troupe of baby elephants.

"Your Uncle Harm's not feeling so good, just now, son. Why don't you go out there and give him one of your extra-special-big-hugs to make him feel better?"

Little AJ didn't hesitate a second before hurrying out the back door, his pace eager, yet sensitive to how badly his Uncle seemed to be feeling lately.

"Hey Uncle Harm," he greeted his Godfather, stretching up to get his arms around the big man.

"Hi buddy!" Harm tried to sound unaffected, but didn't quite pull it off.

"Are you feeling bad, Uncle Harm?" AJ asked, with childish innocence.

"Yeah, kinda, buddy," Harm nodded, settling the little boy on his knee and holding him close, his head tucked under his chin.

"You've been feeling bad for a long time, now, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Is it because we had to leave home, Uncle Harm?"

"That's part of it, buddy."

"Maybe Mommy and Daddy should take you to see the doctor, Uncle Harm. The doctor always gives me something to help me feel better, when I'm not well…and purple, sugar-free lollipops!"

"I don't think the doctor could help me, this time, buddy, but that's very thoughtful of you. Thanks."

"Uncle Harm? Are you sick because you're missing Aunt Mac?"

"Yeah…That's mostly what it is…"

"I miss her too, Uncle Harm…But I know that she wouldn't want me to be unhappy."

"No, no she wouldn't. You're a very smart little boy, AJ."

"Thanks…When I used to feel sad, she'd tickle me until I started laughing and then I couldn't be sad anymore. She always made me feel so happy…"

"Me too, buddy. Me too…"

"And when I go to sleep at night, I dream about all of the times we went out and had fun. It's kinda like she's still here."

"That's great AJ…"

Harm was so close to losing it, so he gave the child one last hug, telling him, "You've helped me so much! Why don't you go inside and tell your Mom and Dad all of what you've just told me? I'm sure they could do with some cheering up, too!"

AJ dutifully ran inside to do so and Harm walked out and into the fields, so that he could let his walls down in privacy.

OOOO

Sturgis found him, a couple of hours later. The sun had long since set and it was getting a little chilly.

"Harm?" Sturgis gently touched his shoulder, when his old friend didn't seem to hear him.

Harm jumped, before realizing who it was.

"I'm sorry," Sturgis apologized, "I didn't mean to surprise you…You doing okay?"

"Yeah," Harm dismissed, looking away so that Sturgis wouldn't see the tears that were again pooling in his eyes. But Sturgis could hear them in his voice, even though Harm had only spoken one word to him.

"Harriet wanted to know if you wanted her to put together a plate for you? The rest of us had dinner an hour ago."

"Nah, I'm not hungry, Sturgis…"

OOOO


	4. Chapter 4

OOOO

Part 4

"You're worrying me, Harm…I know that we haven't exactly been close over the last year or so, but that doesn't mean that I don't still care about you. It tears me up to see you like this, buddy."

Harm recognized some of the old Sturgis coming back and knew how much it had taken for Sturgis to say this all aloud, after all that had passed between them.

"I sorry Sturgis, but I just don't know what to do about it. I feel as if somebody's come along and turned my world off its axis…I don't know what I'm going to do without her…"

Sturgis knew that this was as close as Harm would ever come to saying he loved Mac, without him telling Harm what Mac had said. After weighing the pros and cons in his mind, Sturgis decided that Harm really needed this and knew that Mac would have understood him breaking her confidence, under these circumstances.

"You should know; she loved you, too."

Harm just nodded, adding, "Yeah, I'm sure she did, in a way."

"No, I mean it. She told me 'I'm in love with him.' You can't let her down by giving up, Harm. You know she'd kick your six if she were here, right now. It would break her heart to see you like this…"

"Did she really tell you that, Sturgis?" Harm looked almost desperate for an affirmation, "Did she really love me, the way I love her?"

"Yes, she really told me that. I think it was the first time she'd let herself say it out loud and although she was really just thinking aloud, I know she meant every word. I could tell. And I'm sure she always will, Harm."

"I know she'd hate how I'm acting, right now. It's not fair on my Godchildren or any of my friends, but Sturg…I really can't help the way I'm feeling, just now…I feel like it's all so hard, even to just breathe…"

"We're all here for you, buddy," Sturgis patted his shoulder, "You've got to start helping yourself, if only for the children's sake. They've lost their Godmother and I don't think they could stand losing their Godfather, too. C'mon, let's get back to the house before the children go to bed for the night."

Harm nodded and allowed Sturgis to help him up.

It wasn't much, but baby-steps were better than nothing.

OOOO

Harm was startled from his thoughts by the sound of rapid footfall on the stairs.

Soon, two little voice were bellowing, "Aunt Mac! Aunt Mac, where are you? Are you here? Aunt Mac!"

Harm quickly ran to where Jimmy and Little AJ were pulling apart the den, searching behind the furniture and pulling floor cushions from the pile in the corner.

"Jimmy, AJ! What are you guys doing?" Harm was almost lost for words.

"She was here, Uncle Harm! Right here!" AJ told his Godfather, jubilantly, "She was here, in the new house and she was calling for me! She wanted me to come and sit on the porch swing, with her! But I was playing hide and seek with her and she couldn't find me…"

Harm looked to Jimmy, puzzled, but the younger boy just shrugged his shoulders.

"You saw her too, didn't you, Jimmy?" Little AJ looked convinced his brother would back him up.

Jimmy just looked back and forth, from his older brother to Harm. He so wanted his Aunt to be there, but lately his Mom and Dad had been stressing the rule of not lying about things that did and did not happen; Don't lie about melting your brother's crayons in the microwave. Don't lie to Mom about hiding carrots and sprouts inside your shoes, at dinnertime. Don't tell Dad that AJ hid his prosthesis when you did it. Don't blame your big brother for shutting the car door on your fingers.

Jimmy regretfully shook his head, keeping his gaze on Uncle Harm and not AJ.

"But you did!" AJ was adamant, "You were there, with me! You wanted to share my hiding space and wouldn't go and find your own! You were right here, you heard her calling us, you saw her!"

"I didn't, Uncle Harm," Jimmy looked just as tearful as his brother, now, "Honest! I just really wanted to see her…I miss her so much and when AJ jumped out of bed and said he'd seen her downstairs, I just followed him…I want my Auntie Mac back!"

Harriet and several other adults had by now hurried downstairs and Harriet was just in time to get between the two boys, who were in a fit of hysterics and about to take it out on each other.

"Shhh!" She managed to comfort both of them, while still holding them apart, "It's not the fault of either of you. AJ, you've just been having some vivid dreams…Jimmy, I know how much you want your Auntie Mac back…Boys, we all forget what is real and what we just dreamed, sometimes…"

With both boys so upset, Harm couldn't stay in the house and he brushed past Varisse and Sturgis to burst out the front door. He didn't stop until he had sprinted through the largest field and his breathing had become erratic and his side pulled on him.

"Help me, Marine…" he covered his eyes with his hand, sobbing copiously, "What do I do now? What am I going to do, Ninja-Girl?"

OOOO

Nobody was surprised to see Harm pulling further and further into himself as the days passed. He still remained functioning, for the sake of his friends, but he lost total enjoyment for his life that no longer had his marine in it. Bud, Harriet, Varisse, even Sturgis had given up trying to talk Harm out of his depression and they certainly were worried about whether they would be released from this imprisonment in time to get professional help for Harm. Harriet really didn't see how Harm could continue living like this, with very little food passing his lips and little time devoted to sleeping.

"It's scaring the children," she had tried to cajole Harm, "AJ and Jimmy are at an age now where they notice that you aren't taking care of yourself, Sir. They need you in their lives, they've already lost their Godmother."

Harm had given a sad nod, but could only promise, "I'll really try to do better, Harriet."

He had really tried, around AJ and Jimmy, but around his other friends, it seemed like he had totally lost the will to live.

OOOO

A heaven-sent break-through came one day in the form of his Godsons.

"What are you two doing?" Bud asked his boys, who were out in the sunshine, seemingly getting filthy amongst some rocks, dirt and mud.

Harm had been persuaded to join him, while Harriet put together some breakfast for them in the kitchen.

"We're making Aunt Mac a garden," AJ piped up, pointing to a weed he was burying in some muddy soil, "She and I used to pick these flowers when we went to the park, then we'd put them in a jelly jar in her kitchen. But she'd have to clean up the next day, when they died and all the petals fell off. After a while, we talked about it and decided not to pick them like that anymore, because even though they were pretty, they just died. So we went back to the park, dug a plant up and put it in a pot with some soil. That way, it would always live, as long as we took good care of it."

A small smile crossed Harm's face, watching Jimmy place a wonky circle of rocks around where AJ was lovingly tending the planting bed.

"And we can all come here and remember Aunt Mac by looking at her flowers, every time we're feeling sad and miss her. It'll be like she's still here, because her flowers are still growing and living."

AJ had talked a lot about life and death with his parents, over the last few weeks, but still, Bud and Harm were awed by his perception.

"That's a real good idea, buddy," Harm gave his nephew a hug, before returning indoors.

Bud could tell that he was by no means done with his grieving, but he had just begun the long process of healing.

OOOO


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry for the delay...Had problems with my laptop. No excuse, of course, but it's not good when any electrical appliance begins to smell of burnt toast, is it? ;D

OOOO

Part 5

"You're looking much better," Sturgis commented, joining Harm on the front steps, after dinner, "And I see that AJ and Jimmy have been hard at work again, today…"

"Yeah," Harm noted the construction site in the front yard, with a smile. He proceeded to explain the whole project to Sturgis, who also marveled at AJ's sentiment.

"Kids sure are amazing," he smiled, adding, "and adaptable."

"Sometimes I wish I had been so adaptable, when I was a kid," Harm nodded, "I guess AJ's just a special kid."

"He's going to be okay, Harm. We all are…That doesn't mean that we'll ever forget Mac, or that she'll even stop being special to us, but at some point, this new kind of life becomes the norm and we continue, without forgetting the past. We will always remember her, celebrate her life in our own special way."

"I must admit," Harm shook his head, "even though I know you are right, I just don't see how that could happen, how I could do that. Mac was so involved in my plans for my future…I don't know if I'll ever be able to return to JAG, to a courtroom, even. It was like hell on earth the time she was gone pursuing a civilian career. The thought of never seeing her again just…hurts so much."

Sturgis gave his shoulder an understanding squeeze.

"I understand how you must feel that way…But I don't think that you should think about moving away from JAG at a time like this. You will need your friends to help support you. As much as you want to believe that we will just remind you, because Mac won't be amongst us anymore, we can help you through this. And being a naval lawyer and a former aviator is a part of who you are. And you'll eventually make a life for yourself outside of work. You'll have a family, perhaps even children to focus on, so your work will not be your whole life…"

Sturgis stopped, seeing that this was too painful for his friend, who had jammed his eyes shut, as if he were in very real, physical pain.

"But that's just it, Sturg…" Harm ground out, "Mac wasn't just a part of my career or even just my circle of friends. She was my best friend, my constant confidant and so much more. Do you know, when I got my new car, I asked Mac to come along to give me advice? And when I got my eyes fixed it wasn't my current girlfriend whom I thought about telling first; it was Mac. I always believed that out of everybody, even my friends, Mac was always the one who would always understand every crazy impulse I've had…"

Harm chuckled, softly, when Sturgis added a quiet, "and there have been many of them…"

"We had plans, Sturg…"

Sturgis' face fell in understanding, as Harm expanded.

"When little AJ was born, we made a five-year-plan to have a child together, if neither of us was in a relationship at that time. And our respective partners always came and went, but our relationship was forever. Even during that dark time in Paraguay and during my time with the CIA and when she was with Webb, I never truly stopped believing that we would go ahead with the deal. She found out soon before AJ's fifth birthday that she had a very low chance of conceiving, but it didn't change anything in my mind. I told her that it didn't matter to me how this having a child happened, as long as it did. Surrogacy, IVF, adoption…All I wanted was to be with her and the rest would have been the icing on the cake. How can I go on with my life now that she's not going to be a part of it? I really don't think I want a life without her in it…"

"Harm," Sturgis' voice held signs of the warning bells that were going off in his head, "You're not thinking…"

"No," Harm shook his head, "I could never do that to my friends or my Godchildren…Don't take this the wrong way, you're all special to me, but I don't think I'm going to be able to call everything that is left 'a life.' Not when Mac held such a big part of me. It all died with her and now there's this great big hole in my heart."

"You have to take it one day at a time, Harm," Sturgis comforted him, "I know how much you're hurting, but give it time. It's good that you're beginning to open up about what you're feeling. It shows that you're healing."

Harm didn't know about the term healing. He felt as if the hole in his heart had scabbed over, so that it was less apparent to those around him, but it didn't seem to be healing by any means.

OOOO

A ray of sunshine came into Harm's life with a return visit of Clayton Webb (funnily enough.) Everybody perked up when they saw Webb's car pull into the driveway, but knew not to get their hopes up. He was likely telling them that they would be here a good deal longer.

"It's your birthday, Rabb," the spook announced, in a rare, jovial tone, "Mattie regained consciousness, last night."

Everyone around the table broke into quiet celebration, as Webb continued,

"She's not able to move below the neck, but her doctors are hopeful that the swelling around her spine and the resulting paralysis will not be permanent. She's somewhere safe and will begin further treatment during the next couple of weeks, so you'd better start taking care of yourself. She's going to need you strong enough to help her and she's sure not going to like seeing the state you've got yourself into."

Harm felt the pain intensify as he remembered the last time he had seen Mattie, soon after Mac had left the hospital. She had driven all of that way to offer him support, but he'd been unable to take it, or even thank her for offering it. He'd thrown it back in her face. Now it was too late and he'd never share with her his happiness at watching each of the milestones that would mark progress in Mattie's recovery. Mac should have been here for all of this. They should be with Mattie, right now, encouraging her on, setting a good example so she'd grow up and pursue healthy relationships of her own. Mattie might even have been the child they had agreed to go halves on, at least of a fashion. Mattie could have been the one to give them grandbabies, when they were old and gray, with brittle bones and without a complete set of teeth between them…they should have had it together, even if it wasn't quite what they had originally planned.

"Thank God, oh thank God…" Harriet continued to murmur, as she gave Harm a hug, where he sat in shock and inner thought, at the table, "Mattie will be alright, Sir…She needs you and will be reliant on you…You know that Mac would want you to give your all, helping her to get better."

"Yes," Harm nodded, woodenly, "Yes, she would…."

OOOO

Cresswell didn't think that he'd ever felt so conflicted in his life. Here is was, a beautiful, early-summer day and all he could think about was how much he hated the obligations that came with his job. Yes, his staff and their families were all now safe, the threat had been neutralized, but what he had to reveal to them would likely rip their hearts wide-open again. Life was beautiful, but reeked of his deception, at the same time.

Pulling off the highway, he took the long country road that would lead him to the safe house where the last of his staff were housed. He knew that everyone had now been informed that their lives were no longer under threat, but there was one person whose life he was about to turn upside down, once again.

Cresswell ran his hand over his mouth, wondering if his lips and teeth would still be intact after all of this. As he pulled into the driveway, he could see a CIA-issue van, an agent loading suitcases into the back. They were further along than he had expected. He showed his ID to the agent standing at the door of the house then proceeded inside. Bud was just about to carry out a box from the kitchen, which he'd assisted Harriet in packing. It contained snacks and food for the road, as they would have to drive a long way to the nearest airport with a non-stop flight into Dulles.

"Sir!" Bud was glad to see their CO, "Thank you for everything you've done for us."

Cresswell waved off any further thanks. He didn't think he could take it, at the moment.

"All part of the job, Commander, Lieutenant…Have you seen Commander Rabb?"

"He's just finishing packing up, Sir," Harriet lifted the potted plant sitting on the windowsill. It was what AJ called, 'Auntie Mac's plant,' which Bud had retrieved from the yard this morning, soon after news had arrived.

Gordon wandered upstairs, mentally trying to prepare himself for what would greet him. It was worse than he thought. Even Harm's physical appearance didn't shock him as much as the slow, unmotivated way that Harm moved. It was as if all meaning had been sucked out of him.

"Are you ready to return home to your daughter, Commander?"

Harm quickly shook himself and stood at attention, mustering as much military spirit as his tired body could.

"Yes, Sir, very much so, Sir…"

"Good…I see that Webb was right about how you've been neglecting your health, these past months…But that's got to stop, you hear?"

"Yes, Sir."

"That girl will need you and she's going to need more than the bag of bones I see before me…"

OOOO


	6. Chapter 6

OOOO

Okay, this is the last part of this story…But keep looking back for a sister story to this, explaining Mac's ordeal and just what she went through in the lead-up to this storyline. It will pick up immediately after she turns up at/leaves the hospital in Blacksburg ( I haven't quite sorted out the details yet, things are kinda sketchy.) Don't know quite when that'll be. I'm kinda constrained by the loss of my laptop (RIP Smoky Kevin!) As always feedback is much appreciated!

OOOO

Part 6

Harm nodded again and requested, "Permission to continue with packing, Sir? I'm markedly behind everyone else in the evacuation process, Sir…"

"Don't worry about that, Commander. You and I will be catching a separate flight from everyone else, tomorrow. In the meantime, we've got issues we need to discuss, somewhere private."

"Uh, how about out back, Sir?" Harm suggested, leading his CO downstairs and outside.

They sat on the back steps of the wrap-around porch, before Cresswell began to speak. His words were formed in the moment, all of his carefully thought-out speech going straight out of his head. He never could have anticipated just how much emotion would be swirling around the two of them, in this moment. Harm could not shake the overwhelming sadness that Mac would not be joining them, as they put their lives in DC back together. Gordon could not help but loathe himself for his part in a lie that he had had little control over.

"Son, do you remember your first flight after graduating from flight-school?"

Harm looked at him for a little while then something seemed to spark.

"Of course, sir…"

"Do you remember the first run-in you had with your CO?"

"Yes," Harm smiled a little, this time.

"Do you remember the first time you questioned what you were being asked to do?"

Harm nodded, "It was often in the back of my mind, but I do remember one time when I questioned my CO aloud. We'd just completed a bombing run that had resulted in one of our missiles hitting an orphanage, killing 30 children. The skipper sat me down and explained that even with all of the technology that we had, there would always times when mistakes were made and unfortunately, innocents would most often pay the price for those mistakes, not us. But unlike our enemies, we didn't kill indiscriminately. And we would mourn for those lives lost just like we mourned for fellow soldiers killed, because we cared for those we were fighting to protect, abroad and at home. In the end, it turned out that every one of those children had already been dead, because intel had leaked back to the enemy about the bombing run, the day before. Those children had died in the weeks before the bombing, because the regime was starving its people into obedience."

"I bet you must have thought your CO was crazy, at first, huh?" Cresswell was surprisingly candid.

"Uh, yeah, I must say that it did cross my mind, General…I soon learned better, of course."

"Because at that point you were not able to look at the whole picture…" Cresswell continued.

"Yes, I suppose so," Harm agreed with that assessment.

"Well, I need you to trust me now," Cresswell turned to Harm, looking him in the eye not only as a CO, but as a mentor, "I know you've never had the respect for me that you had for AJ Chegwidden…"

"Sir…" Harm went to object, but Cresswell silenced him, continuing, "Nine years is a long time to have one CO and I know that our time as CO and subordinate officer has barely begun in comparison, but I need you to trust me. I need you to give me time to show you the whole picture."

"I understand, Sir," Harm nodded and without a word more, he and Gordon got to their feet and shook hands. Harm excused himself to go and finish packing, not worrying about the fact that everyone else had by now finished and were getting ready to climb into the van or accompanying car that the CIA had provided.

Soon, they were long gone and Harm was finally loading his belongings into the trunk of Cresswell's car.

"Where are we going, Sir?" Harm asked, once they were on the road.

"Somewhere I thought you might appreciate," Cresswell replied, "I know the past few months have likely been the worst of your life and I thought maybe this might provide a short distraction for you."

Harm looked out of the window at the road signs and the surrounding scenery, but of course none of it meant anything to him.

"I need to explain further what I only began to tell you, earlier, Harm," Cresswell finally continued, after a pause to ponder his thoughts.

"You mean about your duty as a CO, above what you wish you could do, Sir?" Harm asked.

"Exactly that…" Gordon nodded, "There have been times in my career when I've had to make sacrifices for the good of my career. That can sometimes be a little bit difficult when it impacts myself, but it's never harder than when in impacts my family or my staff. These past few months have been without a doubt some of the hardest in my life, too. I've hated this knowledge that I've had to upend the lives of my staff and their families…"

"But for our own wellbeing, Sir," Harm pointed out, before noticing a sign for a tourist attraction nearby; what was the state's rose-garden.

His mind briefly pondered it, but let the thought go when Cresswell resumed.

"Yes, for the sake of the flock, you understand? Like a priest would say, the shepherd always has to think of the flock, keep the herd together, intact, so that none are lost along the way."

Harm had a funny feeling come over him, when the General pulled into a parking space, in view of a large gazebo adorned with flowering trailing vines. The sense of unease increased, when Clayton Webb stepped from its shaded confines.

"What do you mean, Sir? I know you've been thinking about the rest of the staff, but one of our own was lost along the way…I'm not blaming you, but…"

"That's what I need to explain to you, Commander. When the Colonel's car was forced off the road, immediate measures needed to be taken, in order to protect my whole staff. I came across the whole event, on my way to meet the Colonel. She was going to update me on what she had uncovered during her investigation and she was worried about doing that over the phone. When I got there, her car was already burnt out…"

"No, Sir…" Harm closed his eyes, as the scene seemed to form in his mind, "Please don't…"

"You need to hear this, Harm," the General pressed on, "You have to know. I didn't want any part in it, but for the good of my staff, I had to go along with it. We didn't know if it was just a threat against the Colonel, or the whole of our staff…which later proved to be true. But everyone needed to be put into hiding, immediately. Nobody but trusted people at the FBI and CIA could know where we all were or how many were at each location. I had no choice but to turn everyone's life upside-down, for their own safety. Lying like this has only doubled my own personal hell, but for her own safety, I had to lie to you all…"

Harm was still shaking his head, trying to rid his mind of those awful images, but somewhere, part of his brain registered what Cresswell was saying and thought, 'Wait, there must be some mistake…I can't be hearing this…'

"Webb said that the two of you met in a rose-garden and I thought this was just one way that I could begin to make it up to the two of you."

Gordon grabbed Harm's hand, dropping two sets of keys into them, before continuing.

"I hope you can someday accept my most profound apologies…but in the meantime, I'm going to leave you to it, because there's somebody waiting for you…"

When Harm first looked, he only saw only Clayton Webb and thought that this must be one colossal joke. But right before his disbelieving eyes, the woman who had haunted his dreams for months stepped out from behind a mass of purple blooms. Her hair was shorter and she appeared to have lost almost as much weight as he had, but it was still the Mac he knew and loved.

Harm sat stock-still, with his mouth hanging open for a few seconds, before he roused himself and began to get out of the car. The keys he'd forgotten about dug into his palm as he attempted to open the passenger door with them still there. He slipped them into his pocket once he realized, returning his malfunctioning brain to the task of crossing the distance between him and his Ninja-Girl.

This all felt surreal. Any time now, he was going to wake up in his bed at the safe-house, just like all of those other times.

Mac approached him with equal trepidation. He could see it in her eyes; she was scared out of her wits.

"I'm so sorry," she apologized, trying to keep control on her brimming emotions, "I didn't know…I just thought they were keeping me safe…they didn't tell me the whole truth until an hour ago…they never said that…that you thought…"

She was shocked into silence as he fastened his hand around her biceps and yanked her to him with a force that almost caused her whiplash.

"It's okay…it's real? It's really happening?" he mumbled, in dazed amazement.

"Yes, it's real," Mac confirmed, cradling the back of his head with one hand, "I'm real, this is really happening."

"I dreamed about this so often, it's just hard not to believe it's another dream," Harm's voice cracked, as he let go of the emotions that he'd been wrangling with since the General had pulled into the parking lot. Hell, some of this he'd never completely released from inside of him in all the time they'd been in hiding.

"It's happening," Mac comforted him again, "This nightmare is over. We can all go home, now."

Harm suddenly pulled away from her, a look of rage in his eyes.

"Not until I go and break Webb's nose again!"

"No," Mac bolted after him, "Please, Harm, no. He didn't want to do this, but it was the only way to keep us safe…"

She managed to hold him back from where Webb was looking mighty skittish.

"How did making us believe you were dead 'keep us safe'? I thought my world had ended, Mac!"

Harm dialed down his anger as he saw the look of pain and guilt across Mac's face, at this confession. It was pain and guilt, he reminded himself, that she didn't deserve.

"I'm sorry, Mac," Harm hugged her again, "This has all just been an emotional rollercoaster…You did nothing wrong. You were lied to, that's all…But I don't get why all of this had to happen…"

"I had a hit placed upon me by a South American militant group linked to the case that I was investigating," Mac revealed, "and so did everyone at JAG, because of their potential knowledge of the details I might have passed back to them. All week, I had uncovered bits and pieces of information and even some of the members involved in the group's potentially profitable drugs-for-weapons exchanges. The FBI and CIA had been monitoring them for some time, but had decided not to act, but they began to worry when they heard about my investigation. Because of the attention that might be brought to their organization, the militants had decided to take revenge, starting with me. I was run off the road, but I escaped before one of their missiles hit my car. I hid until the General arrived and of course, the CIA was the first agency to show up. Since Webb is one of the few people that the General even slightly trusts and because he owes us, the General requested his involvement. And when Webb told him that this was the only way, he took him at his word."

"But was it the only way?" Harm glared in Webb's direction and Webb took this opportunity to speak up in his own defense.

"Looking back, maybe not…but we had so little information, back then and once it was done, there was no way we could change the measures we had taken. Not until all of the organization had been neutralized and there was no further threat against your lives. I'm sorry, Harm…I'm sorry you've all had to go through this but and believe me when I say this; I was doing it to keep Sarah safe. And to keep you and the people at JAG safe."

"We have to focus on moving forward, now," Mac yanked Harm's attention back, "There's a lot of wrongs we need to right and the most pressing matter is to let the others know that I'm safe…"

"One of my agents should be doing that," Webb spoke up again, "But as we speak, they are all on their way to the nearest international airport."

"When are we getting out of here?" Mac asked.

Harm had completely forgotten about the keys the General had given him, but before he could get a hand in his pocket, his question was answered.

"I," Webb told them, "have to be on a plane to the first of what promises to be many God-forsaken hell-holes…You two, however, have a couple of rooms booked at the motelon the other side of these gardens, so that you can rest-up. The general will be by to pick you up by 1400, tomorrow afternoon. You will all be flying by Navy-transport directly to Norfolk."

Once he had finished what he had to say, Harm and Mac were so involved in one another that they didn't see the spook make his quick exit.

"I can't imagine what you've been through, these last few months," Mac shook her head, more tears escaping, "If I thought it was bad to be separated from all of you…You thought…"

"Shhh!" Harm hugged her close, "Don't think about it anymore…There's nothing we can do about it…The important thing is that it's put every road-block we're ever hid behind into perspective…"

"You mean the ones standing in the way of us pursuing a relationship?" Mac's heart was beating out of her chest. It seemed that they were finally on the same page, so suddenly after the long period where their lives were turned upside-down. Fate had an amazing was of shaking you life into order, when you least expected it.

"Do you want to identify anything still standing in our way?" Harm asked, "Because I sure don't. Regardless of the dangers that might be hiding beneath that calm surface, I just want to dive in, head-first."

"I'm sure that the dangers are there," Mac nodded, "but in the face of what we were facing just yesterday, they seem miniscule…If it means I have to transfer, then so be it."

"And if we risk our friendship, the life we had with one-another," Harm added, "then so be it…I just know the risk is smaller than not having you in my life anymore, without telling you how I feel about you…"

"How do you feel about me?" Mac had pondered whether she should ask, she knew Harm held his emotions carefully guarded, but she just had to know.

"I now know exactly how I feel about you, Mac," Harm told her, "No uncertainties whatsoever. I know that I love you so much, it's hard to breathe without you."

The declaration was so genuine that Mac felt her own breath hitch in her chest.

"What about you, Ninja-girl?" Harm asked, with a smile, "Turn-about is only fair-play. How do you feel about me?"

"My feelings certainly aren't in half-measures, Harm," Mac cupped his face, tenderly, with one hand, "When I stand here, I feel like I'm looking at the other half of my soul…I love you and I don't ever want to be without you…"

Mac barely drew a breath after her confession, before Harm pulled her to him once more, fusing his lips with hers.

And so, they started along the road of new beginnings, one that held a shared destiny…and what more fitting a place for new beginnings than in a rose-garden?

FIN


End file.
